Kwaheri Tanzania

First, it recently came to my attention that I haven’t been totally clear about what I’ve created and what I’ve lost, and the difference between Hill Crest and “the project” to which many of you have so generously donated. Hill Crest was the school where I volunteered, fell in love, eventually took over and recently lost to Elizabeth. It was a pre existing and established pre primary school. Back in 2012 when this started, I decided to build a separate building for Hill Crest. It is across town and tucked away in a different village. This was going to be a boarding campus so the location suited us quite well! Fast forward to present day and following all the drama I don’t need to get back into, Elizabeth has Hill Crest and I have “the project” – said building I’ve been fundraising for and working on for years.

The project idea has changed from being a boarding school (regulations basically forbid it, something I found out amidst the drama last year) to a community center. This building that you all have donated to is still in my control, and it has SO much potential. I couldn’t be happier to be a community center instead of a school; we can benefit so many more people in a number of ways if we open it up as a community center. This place is massive…there’s no way even photos can do it justice. We have four classrooms, a dining hall, a kitchen, six toilets, two offices, and a seamstress/social enterprise room. The possibilities are endless and the government is starting to develop the properties directly opposite our land which means there will be more people coming to the area who will be able to benefit from our programs.

After being burned by so many people time and time again, I decided to turn to someone who has worked for a close friend for several years. We met and I knew he would be the key to success at the project. He is business oriented, eager to help and see the programs succeed and be my sounding board. I had some ideas that we discussed and he was always quick to reply. I’m so grateful to have someone who was referred to me by a friend instead of giving someone new a chance…lesson(s) learned - never again!

After meeting Hendry, it became clear that I needed to take a quick break before I really started these programs and wouldn’t have a chance for a while to go home or take a rest! Shortly after my meeting with Hendry, some discussion about a job opportunity in the States came up. After a skype call and a small handful of emails exchanged, I declined; it wasn’t time. I finally had someone reliable to help me start these programs. I went home to relax for two and a half weeks and for the first time, I was so happy to be there. But I was also excited to get back to Arusha! So that’s why, when I had a lunch meeting about the potential job in the States, I said again that I needed two more years in Arusha before I could feel ready to take a job at home. My time at home was full of love. Shopping and lunch dates with my mom, a perfect afternoon meet up with my college roommate, a history lesson with my grandfather (always fascinating), pool days and yummy food. When my two and a half weeks was up, I felt energized and enthusiastic and excited to get back to Arusha and get to work! My friend picked me up from the airport and we had awesome conversation about both of our futures and how we could work together to help each other with our respective projects and businesses. I was happy to be back in my Arusha home.

It was probably day four or five that I woke up feeling like a big NOPE bat hit me square in the back of the head. I knew that this isn’t where I am meant to be anymore…at least for right now. I have been doing things very out of character, waking up at nine or ten then going back to sleep until noon. I’m usually up at 6:30am, never falling back asleep and ready for the day by about 8. Even when I slept until noon, I still had trouble getting out of bed. I drive through town and the chaos I used to find charming is just frustrating now. My feelings about almost everything have completely changed and it’s become abundantly clear that I’m finally feeling the burn from the last year and a half. I pushed through a lot of hurt and bad situations without looking back but my cold hands are finally starting to feel the fire that has been burning under me for a year and a half. I messaged my closest friends and told them how done I felt and of course they supported me and assured me that it’s okay to be burnt out. I messaged another explaining that helping people just shouldn’t be this hard and of course she understood. My parents proved again to be the most incredible humans and reassured me that they fully support any decision I make.

After several nights with no sleep and some big chats with my closest friends and parents, it’s kind of a no brainer that I need to get out for a while. I reached out, ate my words and accepted the internship at home that I’m thrilled about. My one way ticket home is booked for Friday and I start work on Monday. I’m so ready but getting increasingly nervous about this change. I still have plans for the project. We will start small, using two of the classrooms as after school study centers for students from government schools who are falling behind. There are a number of reasons students don’t do well in school. Sometimes they have to spend so much time walking home that by the time they get there, the sun has set and they can’t do their homework because it’s too dark and there is no electricity. Maybe after school a student has to do house chores which take up study time. Other times they just need some extra attention to succeed. Once that program is running smoothly, we will develop another. It might be another student program or an adult program. We will just have to see with time what will be the most effective.

At first I thought I wanted to pass the building onto an organization that I believed in but after visiting a street kids center in Moshi last week, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I still have so much faith in my ideas and programs and even though I’m going home, I am not ready to give up on what I’ve worked so hard for. I’ll be partnering with a Spanish woman here who has a Maasai school out in the bush. She is a good friend of two people I count on, so I feel really confident about it. We will meet this week to discuss what she will do while I’m gone, and how we will implement my programs and some ideas she has. Her moral standards line up perfectly with mine; refusing to make a cushioned life for ourselves at the cost of the locals, providing sustainable programs that truly benefit the community, no voluntourists and an organization with integrity. Also, she lives in the same village with her Tanzanian lawyer husband – a win all around J

As much as things could start looking up over here, I know that I’m making the right decision and I’m truly excited for it. The hard parts will be leaving Remy and leaving the place that brought and reunites me with four of my five best friends. Considering my tribe consists of people from US, Canada, Scotland, Australia, and Israel, the big question mark of when I’ll see them again makes me sad.  Saying goodbye to my friends here is going to be another level of sad as well, a few people here have been my lifeline and family, and I’m so grateful for those friendships.

I feel so lucky to have parents who have supported me in so many ways, from the day I brought up coming here to booking my one way flight home and everything in between. They have raised my siblings and me to truly live. They’ve raised us to work hard, make tough decisions and just be good people. I can’t imagine the person I would be if they didn’t let me come here. It wouldn’t have been possible without them so I’m so thankful that they have been supportive the whole way through. They’ve experienced the highs and lows with me. They did the camping safari, walks through the village, ate the local food, braved the days with no power and/or water and always kept an open mind. Dad got to participate in a village water give away and mom got to be involved with Remy – a really high high and really low low. Dad was in court with me and meetings with some of the top officials in Arusha. My parents never swayed me to stay or go, to give up or keep pushing, but they’ve always had my back and I’m so lucky for that. I’ve learned, lived and loved more in four years in Tanzania than I would have in the States. I wouldn’t wish some of my experiences on my worst enemy (actually, let's be real...I probably would) and if I could go back and do things differently, I absolutely would! But if I could grab everyone I know and bring them over here, I would because the good always outweighed the bad and this is such a special place.

Thanks for the support over four years from everyone back home, I’m so glad to have been able to share so much of my life here with y’all – I’ll see you soon!